I have spent the last two years trying to walk the talk I preach. I had an epiphany a couple of years ago and realized my life’s purpose was to help women. Daily preachings and encouragement to put themselves first for ONCE in their life so that they may have a cup to pour from for their relationships, job, and children.
I saw people begin to become healthier, happier, more confident. I became addicted to helping people. I moved on to my husband, my children, also. And before I knew it, day by day, little by little….I stopped taking care of MYSELF.
The end of 2017 I found myself digging through boxes of random shit from the last 12-15 years of my life. You know, the boxes of stuff you throw things in when you’re moving that you just don’t want to deal with or go through…photos that aren’t in albums, mail, letters, cards, etc….
Our villa doesn’t have adequate storage compared to homes back in the U.S., so I had no choice but to go through them, FINALLY, so that I could consolidate.
I relived the last half of my life, almost in chronological order…it was intense. I found myself grieving the loss of family members, being relieved that some struggles were behind my marriage, realizing that my oldest child is going to be graduated from school in the same amount of years of her current age.
Life goes by so fast once you have kids.
I am also a “fight or flight” type of person. But one thing I realized in going through all of the boxes was that I’ve never really dealt with my emotions and it was this MASSIVE realization that the things I’ve been through in life have affected who I am today. I knew this already….I just learned some SPECIFIC things that I realized were the derivative of my issues.
Which brings me to my point – my uncle always said to me when I was a teenager (which I believe his parents said to him) …
“Remember, the decisions you make tonight could affect you for you for the rest of your life.”
At the time, I realized he was just trying to influence me to make decisions to keep myself safe, to keep myself childless, and to not hurt other people…
But TODAY – this means something TOTALLY DIFFERENT TO ME.
The decisions you make can affect your CHILDREN for the rest of THEIR lives!
When we become adults and realize the origin of our fuckedupness…it’s a lot to endure.
Resentment. Shame. Anxiety. Pain.
When I realize how my childhood and my teenage experiences impact who I am as an adult and as a mother – it is FREAKY of how my children could be impacted.
You realize if your mom sucked it was because she tried to do the opposite of her mom and took it too far, and her mom wasn’t what she needed because her mom was a certain way…
OUR DECISIONS AFFECT OUR CHILDREN FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.
And I’m not talking about the big decisions out the gate like BF/FF, vaccinate/don’t vaccinate, etc….I’m talking about our reactions to their behavior, our pet peeves…etc.
This is a LOT of pressure.
Here’s an example.
When my son pokes me to get my attention I completely see red and lose my shit on him instantly (when normally I am really patient). It’s embarrassing how angry I get – immediately.
I was talking to my aunt about how I was not sure why I get so angry….she said, “I know why”….and proceeds to remind me that when my mother would get mad at me she would poke me in the chest and get in my face to talk to me sternly. Then alllll the memories of how SHITTY of a person that made me feel came flooding back to me.
…And here I am present day, losing my shit on my 5-year-old from him poking me to get my attention….which he could later end up telling his therapist when he’s 30 that when he was a child and would try to get my attention I would yell at him…. :::CHA-CHING::: Therapy bills piling up already!
It’s like, which came first? The chicken? Or the egg?
What do you think your kids will tell their therapists?
Life is a total MINDF*CK!
This year I’m on a new path for MYSELF. Going to be PRACTICING my own advice and stop being a total hypocrite!
First thing’s first…back on the healthy eating and daily exercise routine. WISH ME LUCK!